Miscarriages - why do we feel so ashamed?

"About 50 percent of all first trimester miscarriages are

because of chromosomal abnormalities."  

The above link will take you to an article that talks about this little-discussed topic. 

Women experience miscarriages. 

Some of us, like myself - have a lot of them. 


This is a picture of my husband and me on a trip to Hawaii around 1993 during the time we were trying to have a child. Don't we look young and healthy? Full of promise? No glaring health issues or anything physically wrong that would prevent me from having a healthy baby, right? I remember this trip because I had thought that it would be the last trip we had as a couple before we started our family. We had been together for about 8 years. It was time, and it was going to be perfect and easy. Right? Shame comes from misconceptions about why miscarriages happen. The belief that we may have done something to cause it...society's expectations of women...so many emotions go through our minds when we experience such losses. Guilt, grief, anger...what may you have felt?



I had four miscarriages by the age of 24. It was one of the loneliest times in my life and I was incredibly depressed. After my fourth, I even had the thought that I wanted to end my life.

No one really talks about it much and because of that, it was one of the topics I included in my book; being a translocation carrier and what my experience was like, as well as what others have experienced. Trying to have a child is not easy, especially for people who carry balanced translocations. Here is a story of another woman like me - a translocation carrier -who also struggled to build her family:


"When we started trying to have a child, we did not realize how hard it would be. It was about one year after trying when I spoke to my doctor. He put me on oral medication for fertility. Three months later, he sent us to a fertility specialist. We went through all kinds of testing—blood work, sonograms, sperm check—nothing was found. At this point, they started me on fertility shots to multiply my eggs. When it was time, we did artificial insemination. Three months later, I was pregnant with our first child—a beautiful, healthy girl. About seven months after I gave birth, I got pregnant again. We had our son in 1997. He went right into the PICU. The doctors said he was having trouble breathing. A week later, they sent us home with what we thought was a healthy baby boy, but we ended up having to go back to the hospital every other day. He was not eating, not gaining weight, vomiting, missing a clavicle, blood in his stool. Nothing was adding up.


With my request, the doctor did genetic testing. We received the news two weeks later—he had an unbalanced 11/22 translocation (Emanuel syndrome). My doctor was in shock, but I wasn’t. As a mom, I knew something was not right. After that, my husband and I had our testing done. I was a balanced carrier. My mother went for testing, and so did my brother. We were all carriers. My life changed forever. Doctors, hospitals, therapies— it was overwhelming. I went into a state of depression. I went to therapy. I went on medication for depression and tried to live a happy life with our family. About two years later, I wanted another child. I longed for a typical baby that I could love and enjoy. I also wanted another sibling for our daughter to enjoy. Please understand we love our son with all our hearts. I just longed for normalcy.


We got pregnant with our next baby and had amniotic testing at seventeen weeks. Not good. The doctor said I was having a baby with trisomy 18. Can you imagine a different chromosomal problem? The doctor said the baby would not survive after delivery. I had an abortion at twenty weeks. I’m not sure where we got the strength to keep trying, and pregnancy four was on the way. This time I went to the doctors at nine weeks and there was no heartbeat. Testing revealed it was another baby with unbalanced translocation of chromosomes 11/22. We kept on trying. With pregnancy five, we gave birth to a healthy baby boy who is a balanced translocation carrier. Our second son was born in the year 2000. Going through this felt like an emotional roller coaster. I would say we never gave up. I’m not sure how we did it."


***

I felt ashamed when I couldn't carry a pregnancy to term. I was depressed and felt like no one else understood what I was going through. It was a hopeless time in my life. But the more we talk about our experiences so that other women can hear us, they will know they are not alone and we can get through things together. If you ever want to talk to me about it, I will listen. Please reach out.

Read more about recurrent miscarriage and fertility challenges in my book, Raising the Goddess of Spring: A guide for parents raising children with rare chromosome disorders. available internationally on Amazon.





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