The Adoption Option

Excerpt from "Raising the Goddess of Spring: A guide for parents raising children with rare chromosome disorders."

We had thought about adoption early on in our relationship, even discussing it before we got married. A few years after we had Maia, we tried foster parenting through our local children’s services agency. We learned that this route might be the quickest way for us to adopt, as we might foster a child who could potentially become a crown ward and then be eligible for adoption. After a year, we quickly realized this was not going to happen anytime soon. We had our names on the list for adoption with our local child and family services during our 20s but knew that young children who became available for adoption were rare. Having a child with special needs ourselves would likely mean we would be less likely to be chosen by a potential birth parent, someone who might be more likely to select a childless family who could dedicate all their time to that child.

I was working part-time during the period my husband and I were investigating our options, and my current employer happened to be in the process of adopting from China. We learned that several local families had also done so, and after attending a get-together with a dozen gorgeous children, we decided to do just that.

Adoption fees were comparable in cost to one cycle of IVF with PDG - and there was no “you might not get a baby after this cycle” worries - we would have a child.

In 2005, after about two years of paperwork, stress and anticipation, my husband and I went on the second most significant adventure of our lives. A little 11-month-old girl was placed in our arms on a beautiful day in March, in Anhui Province, China.

I cried when I fed her baby food that same day, because, well, she could eat without choking. She could hold her head up. She could hold and chew on toys and cookies. She drank from a bottle without the contents coming out of her nose and making her choke. She ate noodles off chopsticks like a champion! We were dumbstruck at the ease of taking care of this tiny creature, who instantaneously was able to heal so much of the pain we carried around in our hearts at not being able to have more children. It was blissful. Her presence also benefited Maia, who now had a little sister who could share baths with her, brush her hair, retrieve her fallen toys, and cuddle with her on the couch. We named her Jaida. We could not wait to do it again.

As soon as we completed our one-year follow-up home study, we started the process to adopt again. This time, a new program had opened in China, the Waiting Child Program, where children who waited had correctable medical needs. I still envisioned scenes from Jaida’s orphanage of babies left lonely in walkers, some of them who had clefts, or heart defects, not unlike Maia had. Who would adopt them? We generated a list for our home study of special needs we thought we could manage. Maia had a multitude of problems. We thought, heck - what is just one medical issue?

In January 2008, we again headed to China, this time to Guangzhou Province, to bring home our son. Jaxon was cleft affected, having already undergone two surgeries in China for a bilateral cleft lip. He would need two more, including a bone graft to repair a cleft gum line, but man, he was awesome. Jaida made the transition to our family easier for him - a little girl who resembled him was not nearly as intimidating as two freaky white people who did not speak a word of Chinese. He was just over two-years-old when we arrived to meet him. We had never felt more complete as a family.

I remember telling another parent (also a carrier) that we had planned to adopt and being shocked by her response. She told me we were brave. Brave? Yes. “Wow - you are taking a risk and adopting another person’s child? How do you know you will love them? What if something goes wrong? I could never do that.” She had opted to keep trying to get pregnant and deal with what came. In my mind, I thought she was brave!

There are no right solutions if you want to have more children. For our family, adoption was an amazing and beautiful gift. I cannot fathom what my life would look like today had I not chosen adoption. I am glad I chose not to try to have other children naturally because no kids would have been more perfect for us than these two fireballs. Our two youngest children are as loved and wanted as if they had been biologically ours. There is no difference. The only difference was the guilt that I still feel on occasion when I stop to reflect on the ease of being their mother, the ease with which they do things, and my joy in experiencing normal things like basketball practice and piano recitals. That joy always, always, is accompanied by my deep longing for Maia to have had those things, just because that is how my mind works, and I cannot change it. 

-Stephanie